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Nevermind.
It's probably just situational bipolarism.
Depressed, then all I have to do is turn life off and I'm okay.
I feel fine now, after listening to gobs and gobs of music.
Sigh.
Life.
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| Mental insanity.
I don't understand myself. My heart, my feelings, my wants and needs. I don't understand anything. I have someone who treats me exactly how I think I want to be treated, yet I am still unhappy? Yet I am still yearning for something else, something from the past that didn't satisfy me either?
Maybe everyone's right.
Maybe I just can't ever be happy.
Maybe I won't let myself feel happy.
But you can't force yourself to feel something, or stop feeling something, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself. Feelings are uncontrollable, fact.
Maybe I really do have an undiagnosed mental disorder.
So, is it really my fault?
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"It's sad when people you know become people you knew.
How you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life.
How you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them."
Not mine, but I wish it was.
(download)
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Impulsive.
Maybe that's where I get it. My mother came home from running errands today with a 46-inch LCD HD-TV flat screen. We had no need for it. Our generously-sized television was working perfectly. But there the money sat in the bank from a meager child support payment before Christmas, and there my mother was in the gaming and electronic section of Best Buy.
At the moment, she had the funds. So she did what she wanted. She had what was necessary to get what she wanted. Impulse told her to act on it.
Maybe that's where I get it.
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Nostalgia.
It was fun introducing one of my best childhood friends to everyone last night.
Especially when I got to say, "and those are the people I hated for most of high school, yayyy!"
Rang in the new year in a crowded basement, double fisting Miller or Keystone or something else cheap.
Cloudy eyes, wobbly knees, and completely alone.
Here's to giving up on lost causes, standing up for myself, and moving on with my fucking life.
Happy 2010, goodnight.
(download)
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ellie. nineteen. new jersey.
